2018 a whirlwind year

We moved to San Diego (temporarily) in July and returned to Washington in December. The transition back home has been really hard, a lot harder than I ever imagined. I was incredibly excited to be in our home; well mostly just to have our stuff and our space. I was finding my tribe in San Diego, people who truly loved us and our girls. It was refreshing to be there; waking up every morning with the sun shining. The girls thrived, Kora was in school and we were outside almost every day. When we first arrived in San Diego Robert was working the night shift, and that was really hard at first, but we started to get into our groove and of course things changed again; they moved us up north and I had to have surgery again. Since then things have shifted. I think the hardest thing for me right now is that every time we seem to find a good groove a big change happens. My attitude is always well that is life, make the best, but coming back to the gloom and the cold is taking a toll on me for sure. I've been in hibernation mode, I never want to leave the house. The cold makes my bones ache; my back gets stiff and basic movements become hard. I'm still working out daily but coping with the pain is getting harder. I am struggling with the monotony staying home. I miss working, and having interaction with others. Don't get me wrong I am grateful I get to be home to raise my babies but I miss being out in the world. I am trying my best to find my tribe again back in Washington, but finding that mesh is hard. It is hard to put myself out there again. My soul feels tired, real tired. Soon, I am sure this too will pass.

San Diego will always have a big piece of my heart, it's where Remi learned to walk, it's the place she stopped nursing, it's the place for many adventures, it's the place where I experienced a lot of personal growth; and for all of that I am grateful. Until next time San Diego.

My surgery

Today is the day after my surgery. 4 Months ago we sat down together and decided that it was probably best that I get my tubes tied; the main reason is that my body would not likely handle another pregnancy very well. Some asked "Why not just have him get snipped" quick answer is he was going to, but in the end we knew that the person who really couldn't risk having a baby was me. We anxiously waited the 4 months until my surgery.

---I love, love being a mom, like wholeheartedly; I love everything about it. Some days I get frustrated and need a break like anyone else, but I find so much joy in teaching and loving my girls. I always thought I would have more children, and this decision was a really really hard conclusion to come to. The hardest part is knowing that my body wasn't cut out to carry more babies but my heart is. How do you know you are done having babies? I am not sure anyone can answer that, but I know my body is done, that my body would really struggle to have another.

The surgery is a fairly quick surgery just about an hour long. They made 3 tiny incisions and it was very minimally invasive, however you still have to be put under anesthesia and be intubated. The hardest part of the recovery so far is recovering from being intubated and the gas the pump into your body (to move your organs up to access your Fallopian tubes). My throat and neck are incredibly sore as well as my lungs and chest. The incisions are sore like expected, but everything else is alright.  I am up and moving a little today and still wont be able to lift 10lbs+ for the next week. I am now the "Tubeless Wonder". I am so proud of all of the scars I have from carrying my babies, every stretch mark, every difficult moment, I am proud of the sacrifices I have made to ensure that I can be here for my girls; even if that means I don't physically carry any more babies.

Prepping for surgery

Nursing Remi before surgery

Baby snugs after I got out of surgery, I was so happy to see them. 

She was so excited to see me

Today, the day after the surgery. Three incisions, one in my belly button, on my right side, and one on my underwear line. My abdomen also has a lot of gas from the procedure, my face is slightly swollen from the IV fluids but I am feeling great!

Remi Beau 5lbs 9 oz 19 inches

It has been a while since I have written an update but with the birth of our new little one I figured now was a perfect time. (forgive me for my run on sentences and grammatical errors)

I found out I was pregnant just after thanksgiving; my pregnancy started off with terrible migraines and then the vomiting and nausea came... I was hospitalized twice with dehydration and complications from throwing up so much and was soon diagnosed with Hyperemesis gravidarum.  I continued to throw up throughout my entire pregnancy and barely managed to gain 25lbs. Everyday was a struggle, but with the help of my awesome husband and patient toddler we managed. Things started to get more complicated when some hardware in my spine started shifting (it shouldn't be able to move) and started causing some intense pain; I ended up having to switch from a midwife to an OB who could help manage my pain (and possible induce me when the time came). Just at about 38 weeks my new doctor started getting concerned because I hadn't shown since of growth for more than 3 weeks, so he ordered new test to check baby. She seemed to have stopped growing and they were concerned about her safety so they planned for an induction the next day.

We got to the hospital around 5 o'clock in the evening but weren't able to start the induction process until about 10:00 pm. I was lucky enough to have my mother in law available for Kora until my mom was able to fly in and take over. My doctor started me with a foley catheter which they place in your cervix to help dilate you. It caused some pretty intense pain and contractions every 6 min. At about 2:00am I called and woke up my best friend and "labor angel" Laura, and asked if she would come massage me during labor. She graciously obliged and just around 4:00am when the pain had just intensified she arrived. With hours of contractions and ever so helpful massage, around 8:00am they removed the foley and I was told they would start pitocin soon. My then nurse disappeared for hours, I was getting so antsy because I wasn't "aloud to eat". I had been up all night and was getting more and more hungry...Finally the new nurse showed up (she was a total snatch...) and after she started pitocin and hours with no real change I demanded to see the doctor to be checked or I was going to eat. She finally called the doctor in at about 4pm-ish, he came in checked me, and broke my water. At this point I was a 4 cm and had been on pitocin for about 4 hours with no change, but not even 5 min after my water was broken the contractions became super intense. I knew that she was moving down and coming fast...

side bar---I had interviewed a number of anesthesiologist before the induction to be sure they understood my back complications and would be able to perform an epidural when the time came.---

My back pain was so so intense....Robert likes to say I was definitely the loudest one in the unit that day....I kept telling the nurse to get the anesthesiologist in there fast, the baby was coming quick. This awkward looking old guy slowly walks in, he, of course, is not any of the people I had interviewed. The contractions at this point are literally on top of each other not even a minute apart. The nasty nurse starts telling me I have to sit down if I want my epidural and I about punched her, ---not only have I had a number of spinal surgeries which included similar procedures as an epidural but I had an epidural with Kora, I was quite familiar with the procedures... I then tell her to get me some sort of pain medication in my IV so I can sit through a contraction, the nurse has the gall to say no, the anesthesiologist retorts with a "get her the medication now..." After I am able to catch my breath I quickly ask him if he knows anything about my spine, etc...and he knows little to nothing about it... I quickly sit down and tell him to start. He slowly starts going over unimportant details like "I am going to touch your shoulder now...." and "its going to feel like a bee sting" and Robert and I both were like what the absolute heck is wrong with you just go already....it was almost like he was repeating the things to himself to calm himself or make himself comfortable (not entirely sure)... I have multiple contractions during this time but hold still long enough for him to get it in. I quickly can tell that its not in the correct spot and say so to the nurse...she completely ignores me and tells me to lay on my side to help it take effect. This of course doesn't work, the nasty nurse then puts in a catheter and is incredibly rough.... about 10 min later the contractions are back to full intensity in my back (I'd liken it to being smashed in the spine with a baseball bat while also being electrocuted add in the contractions, pelvic pain, and period like cramps it was so intense...).  I get into the squatting position and I am screaming at the nurse to take the catheter out, I can feel her head moving down. I know the catheter is getting in the way and causing me more pain. She of course ignores me and tells me she wont take it out... I keep yelling at her that her head is there and she slowly walks over to check me...she then starts to panic because she realized I was indeed telling the truth. She removes the catheter, and frantically calls the other nurses and doctor to come in. He runs in just as I am starting to push and not long after Remi was here. I was able to "catch her" and put her on my chest she however wasn't crying. She was struggling to breathe and her oxygen levels were incredibly low. Robert helped move her to the warmer where they worked on her for a bit until her levels went up. After everything calmed down a bit we noticed that there was blood all over my back, the epidural clearly had not worked as I could feel everything and had complete mobility (I gave birth in a squatting position, and with a correctly placed epidural that usually isn't possible). I was also so incredibly swollen from all of the fluids and medications they were giving me, however recovery was fairly quick. I had no tearing and most of the pain I had after delivery was from my back.

comforting me during some intense contractions and helping me breathe through them

comforting me during some intense contractions and helping me breathe through them

comforting me during some intense contractions and helping me breathe through them

Laura my best friend and "labor angel" comforting me during labor

Robert helping me sit back right before he helped move her to the warmer

Robert cutting the cord 

Remi Beau

The birthing process was intense and I couldn't have done it without my awesome husband, and my best friend and "labor angel" Laura. Laura, who drove through the middle of the night to come massage me for hours and hours, was probably the sole reason I was able to get through the whole thing. I am and will be forever grateful for her presence at Remi's Delivery. She truly was my labor angel.

Laura my best friend and "labor angel" having a moment after Remi was out

I will also never ever to anyone...recommend delivering at Harrison Hospital in Silverdale....

After such a rough pregnancy and delivery, with much consideration and countless discussions we have decided that Remi will (likely) be our last baby. We have been spending our days doing our best to soak up the last of our tiny baby days and trying to look forward to the future with two awesome little girls. This has been especially difficult for me, the finality of it all is quite overwhelming and incredibly hard to come to terms with. I debated on whether or not I would share such a private decision, one I may struggle with for a while, but the question "when will you have another?" is quite triggering, so we appreciate others being sensitive to this. Here are some more pictures of when Remi and Kora met for the first time.

Remi Beau

Kora meeting Remi for the first time 

Kora holding Remi for the first time

 Kora absolutely adores Remi; she asks to hold her, touch her feet, and kiss her all the time. The transition has been a little hard on her, but she has been so kind to Remi. She sings her songs like old mcdonald when she cries, and likes to show her all of her toys. She always tries to ask her questions and desperately wants Remi to play with her. We feel so so blessed we have them both.



Also pictures were taken by my incredible Douala Mackenzie Kaney (I just did some basic editing)

Yokohama China town, Fujisawa, Yugawara, and Odawara all in one weekend

I am going to start out by saying this was one of my least favroite "trips" lol these were some of the highly recommended locations and they were all sort of a bust (in my opinion). Just outside of Yokohama China town there is the Yokohama baseball stadium, and a wonderful park that had tons and tons of tulips.  Yokohama china town had a cute little festival going on which was fun. They had a bunch of mascot type characters walking around and a band playing music. It was 70 degrees with a nice breeze which was lovely. We found a place with the fish that eat your dead skin off your feet, and decided to try it out. It was quite hilarious, and tickled like crazy. The best description of how it felt was if someone put electrodes on your feet. They were swarming Roberts feet (he must have had lots of dead skin) and he was giggling like a school girl. After we walked around and found a random restaurant to try out, and I will just say it was absolutely horrible. One of the worst places I have eaten at in my life. It was ridiculous expensive which made for an even worse time. After dinner we both had a bit of an upset stomach so we ended up walking around a bit more and heading home.

Fujisawa, we went to just for the Old Navy. It is a lovely little town there with nice shops and a fun little shopping center which we really enjoyed. The original plan was to head to Odawara Castle after but we took a little too long and decided to find a last minute airbnb. This ended up taking us to Yugawara. Yugawara is a tiny little mountainous town that has lots of hot springs. It is near some of the towns we have visited before during Valentines weekend. We figured it would be a nice place and online the airbnb looked nice, however things got a little complicated with the host. When we finally made it, it was atop a huge hill and over looked the little town and the ocean. When we got inside it was dark, dingy, old and not as nice we expected. We made the best of it and had some much needed quiet time, there was no wifi, no tv, and no reception on my phone. We made curry and talked; although the place was a bit of an ew, I would say the experience was fun. The next morning we wandered our way to the station and took the train to Odawara; where we planned to see the castle.

When arriving in Odawara we headed towards the castle. While we were walking we found an archaeological dig site just outside the castle. It was closed off to the public but there were some leaflets that explained what they had found there, it was pretty interesting. We kept walking and found a precarious sign that was in Japanese, the gist I got from it was that the castle was closed for earthquake preparedness construction...we decided to keep walking and check it out for sure. When we got up there it sadly was closed; we were able to walk around the outside, take some fun pictures and check out the monkeys (they them in a cage outside the castle). We saw a castle in Atami during Valentines weekend which in my opinion was much more impressive. Although this one was still 'nice' I would suggest taking the extra time to go see Atami's Ocean view castle which is quite amazing.

Disney Sea-Tokyo

We decided to take another trip out to Disneyland Tokyo; this time we went to the other park, Disney Sea. It was absolutely magical and definitely my favorite Disney park (in terms of atmosphere). I wish we could have spent more time there! I loved seeing how different of an experience Kora had in comparison to our trip 4 months ago. She was so excited about everything, and enjoyed every mintute of it. We were able to meet a lot of the Disney characters which was fun. I was a bit surprised but Kora actually loved them, she would wave and yell hello and bye bye. She would try to kiss them or pat their faces. The rides at Disney Sea are very low key and quite short (which is nice if you have small children), we weren't as impressed by the food at Disney Sea however they still did have some great treats, the shows were amazing and overall the park was super cool. I would definitely love to go back again!

We got another airbnb close to the park, and spent two nights there. It was a Micky themed apartment, it was cute and cozy. We had stayed at an apartment nearby before so we were familiar with the area which made travel much easier.