Being a Mom.

Lately I have been struggling with this new feeling, the best way to describe it would be a "loss of identity". I think many moms must go through it. It is hard to understand the nature of the whole thing until you experience it. I knew before getting pregnant that when I was finally given the chance to be a mom I would do everything in my power to stay home with my child. I wanted to be there to see them grow, to teach them, and to be there every step of the way; I also knew that meant giving up or at least putting a career on hold. This was my/our plan all along, I knew it and for some reason I just cant shake this feeling. Loss of being a bread winner, loss of being able to provide for myself; almost like I wonder who I even am anymore. Obviously I am still me, I still love the same things, but having a career (or at least making money) was a big part of who I was. Yes, yes the simple answer is "you can always go back to work", but I know that my role is to be at home with Kora, I know this is where I am meant to be right now.

Maybe these feelings are also a loss of control. When you become a parent you really lose the ability to control things. You no longer dictate everything in your life --I mean to some extent yes you do-- but you do not control the feelings of the tiny little human in your life. You can't really make them sleep or make them stop crying. Your sole purpose is not controlling them, but about teaching them, nurturing them, and comforting them. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE every minute with Kora (even the minutes where she is screaming or when I am covered in her poop), but sometimes I just wonder how many of us out there have this feeling of loss.

I am striving everyday to be the best me, to show Kora (and Robert) the best parts of me. Some days they may see the worst,...and some days I can't do as much as I wish I could, but I know that they see how hard I am trying. In the end Kora will know that her mom and dad work so hard to make her happy. I know that soon this feeling of loss will go away because it is already starting to fade.

I am doing my best to embrace this important role that I am so lucky to have.  To enjoy every single moment I have with her.

Update as of late

We went to our wonderful family reunion in McCall, then traveled to Las Vegas and finally made it to our place in San Diego. We have a nice one bedroom apartment out here, it is a bit far from Robert's work, but it is definitely a nice area. Robert has been working 10 hour days, 6 days a week so we don't see him very often. We were able to go to the Seahawks pre-season game last weekend which was a blast; Kora did amazing the whole time and we had great seats (up really close on the Seahawks side). I have been attending a few mommy meet-up groups and trying to find some "mommy friends" out here (not that I don't love my child-less ones ;P). It has been nice and a great way to get me out of the house.

Things have been a bit hectic as of a few days ago....we were informed our condo sold and that our lease would be up at the end of September meaning we needed to vacate by then...we had thought we would go on a month to month when our lease was up but that is no longer an option. So Kora and I will be returning to pack our entire condo alone next week....I am not so excited about this. Not only did our house not close yet (so everything has to go into a storage pod) but now I have just about 6 days to pack an entire condo with a 5 month old, alone, and with a bad back. I am a bit overwhelmed to say the least. A day after frantically making plans and booking flights, we were informed that Robert would be returning for his graduation ceremony a week after I returned to San Diego from packing our condo... This all means that I will be taking another flight to Seattle a week after packing our condo to go to Robert's graduation (and of course they don't give me his flight details so there is no way to plan to fly together). It all is a bit of a mess, but I am sure I can do it...(hopefully). They also extended our stay to "currently" the beginning of November which means our plans for Iceland are currently on hold; they also have not told us whether to expect to stay in San Diego longer (past November) or if we will be headed to Japan. So a lot of our life currently is up in the air....as usual. I am trying to find comfort in the small reminders of home, in the silly things Kora is learning, and the tiny adventures we get to go on.  I constantly remind myself to "Stay Positive"--- life is what you make of it, so live with a smile.

Walking to our mommy meet up in Del Mar

Before the game

At the game

Kora with her headphones at the game

Robert being silly on the boat in McCall

Kora playing with her cousin

Kora and I swimming with her Otteroo

Sessions side of the family