Being a Mom.

Lately I have been struggling with this new feeling, the best way to describe it would be a "loss of identity". I think many moms must go through it. It is hard to understand the nature of the whole thing until you experience it. I knew before getting pregnant that when I was finally given the chance to be a mom I would do everything in my power to stay home with my child. I wanted to be there to see them grow, to teach them, and to be there every step of the way; I also knew that meant giving up or at least putting a career on hold. This was my/our plan all along, I knew it and for some reason I just cant shake this feeling. Loss of being a bread winner, loss of being able to provide for myself; almost like I wonder who I even am anymore. Obviously I am still me, I still love the same things, but having a career (or at least making money) was a big part of who I was. Yes, yes the simple answer is "you can always go back to work", but I know that my role is to be at home with Kora, I know this is where I am meant to be right now.

Maybe these feelings are also a loss of control. When you become a parent you really lose the ability to control things. You no longer dictate everything in your life --I mean to some extent yes you do-- but you do not control the feelings of the tiny little human in your life. You can't really make them sleep or make them stop crying. Your sole purpose is not controlling them, but about teaching them, nurturing them, and comforting them. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE every minute with Kora (even the minutes where she is screaming or when I am covered in her poop), but sometimes I just wonder how many of us out there have this feeling of loss.

I am striving everyday to be the best me, to show Kora (and Robert) the best parts of me. Some days they may see the worst,...and some days I can't do as much as I wish I could, but I know that they see how hard I am trying. In the end Kora will know that her mom and dad work so hard to make her happy. I know that soon this feeling of loss will go away because it is already starting to fade.

I am doing my best to embrace this important role that I am so lucky to have.  To enjoy every single moment I have with her.