Leaving San Diego and Japan-7 months old

Maybe it was the short notice, or maybe it is because of the little life we have made here but I didn't think that I would be so upset when it was time to leave San Diego. Last year while we were in San Diego, I would cry because I missed the Seattle rain...now I am sad to leave all of my new friends. Sad to leave all of the fun things that San Diego has to offer. Yes, yes, a new journey is on its way...I am excited for Japan, just not in the way I expected to be. It was always a dream to travel to Japan. I guess now it is just a little more hectic, more of that "unknown" that scares me.  How will I make my way around town? Will our cell phones work? How will I be able to read the signs or read anything for that matter? How will we spend our days? Will I be incredibly isolated? I am just so worried about being in a foreign place and not being able to have the resources to function... I used to love that part of the "journey". I loved exploring; I love the unknown of a new city. However, with a baby its just a little more difficult. Ifind myself repeating, I am flexible, I am strong, I am brave...but I tend to keep going back to "am I enough?", "Will I be able to do it?" Well I will have to, and I want to.

If you haven't already heard, we found out a week ago that they are sending us home from San Diego early. We leave Friday, and Rob is supposed to start his training for our trip to Japan. They were planning to send us to Japan at the end of November; we were supposed to be there for 2 weeks, following which we would be sent back to Japan starting in January until the middle of May. (Robert has recently petitioned to stay in Seattle until the beginning of January to make it easier on our tiny family. We are hoping they honor his requests so we can hopefully get our house closed and at least partially moved in before leaving again.) It is all a bit stressful to say the least, and since we currently don't know our exact departure dates I am stuck "winging it"...again.... I know when we arrive I will be so excited. I am excited to meet new people, learn the language, and try new things. Although currently that excitement is just a little clouded, I know I will love it. I know it will work out. As long as I have Robert and Kora things will be just fine.

Kora is now 7 Months. These months just seem to be flying by. She is 12lbs 12oz and 25 inches long. She is quite the little lady. She now poops and pees on the toilet. She still uses her diaper sometimes and because she has a very limited ability to communicate, she can't really tell me when she needs to go. I usually just read her ques and give her as many opportunities to go as I can. She has even gone pee on the toilet when we were at dinner the other night! She is so so observant, loves to watch what we are doing and see how things work. She crawls, pulls herself up onto things, tries to stand up, sits by herself (still a little wobbly), and loves to snuggle. She shakes her head like shes saying "no-no" and she sometimes will wave hi-hi. She is one smart little bean and we absolutely love her!

We will post her 7 month pictures when we finally arrive in Seattle. EDIT: here are a few of her 7 month pictures!

5 and 6 months old

San Diego is great (for the most part). We love the sun, things to do, and I especially love the meetups for moms.and babies The things we are most struggling with are the distance from Rob's job and the unknown back in Seattle. Rob has been working 10-12 hour days usually at least 6 days a week, and on top of working a ton he has an hour commute. By the time he gets home, he is exhausted and so am I. We of course try to make the best of our time and get out and do fun things when we can, its just the amount of work and the distance to his work, makes things difficult. The unknown...so many things are up in the air, we just tend to try and problem solve when things come up...but me being the "worry wart" that I am, I can't shake those feelings of what will happen when we return. Our house still hasn't gone through and all of our stuff is still in storage. We are set to return on the 20th of November and are currently homeless... then comes the possibility of going to Japan in January...what if they change our date to leave sooner? How will I manage putting together a new house and leaving the country for a few months?

I have to stop my self from going down the rabbit hole of what ifs. I have to remind myself daily of the now...of enjoying every minute of the now.

So instead of focusing on my worries here is some stuff we are enjoying now:

Robert graduated! He tries to down play his achievements but he really did have to work hard. Late nights working, studying, traveling hours and hours on public transit...but he did it and we are so proud!

excuse the blurry-ness I was breastfeeding, cheering, and taking a photo from extremely far away  :P

While we were back for Robert's graduation we adventured all over Seattle, met up with friends, went to a Hawks game and enjoyed every minute we could.

We (well I) successfully moved out of our condo, packed everything and put it into storage.

Took two different trips to Seattle with a 5 month old with only a few poo-splosions

Robert had a birthday, which we celebrated by eating at random places, spending time on the beach, taking photos, and leading Robert on a few blind folded adventures.

She was afraid of the candles..

We have done everything from hanging out by the pool, shopping, dinner dates (more like pretending to be food critics as we test out new restaurants) , meeting up with friends, going to the zoo, adventured to a strange pumpkin patches in the middle of no where, mommy meetups, beach days, and so much more. We really are doing so much and loving every minute we have together. Hopefully Rob gets more free days so we can make more memories before we return back to Seattle.

Update on just Kora: She crawls (more like an army crawl but its incredibly fast)...she tries to pull her self up on things now,  she rolls, says mama and dada (mostly dada unless shes sad and wants me..), she loves to eat everything, is still incredibly small, is a great observer, seems to be getting a tooth (we will see on when it actually pops out), loves being outside, loves being in her carrier, loves the mirror, dances (more like wiggles back and forth), likes to watch other babies, gives kisses, and loves to snuggle. This kid is a wonder baby, she sleeps well and is always smiling. 

Being a Mom.

Lately I have been struggling with this new feeling, the best way to describe it would be a "loss of identity". I think many moms must go through it. It is hard to understand the nature of the whole thing until you experience it. I knew before getting pregnant that when I was finally given the chance to be a mom I would do everything in my power to stay home with my child. I wanted to be there to see them grow, to teach them, and to be there every step of the way; I also knew that meant giving up or at least putting a career on hold. This was my/our plan all along, I knew it and for some reason I just cant shake this feeling. Loss of being a bread winner, loss of being able to provide for myself; almost like I wonder who I even am anymore. Obviously I am still me, I still love the same things, but having a career (or at least making money) was a big part of who I was. Yes, yes the simple answer is "you can always go back to work", but I know that my role is to be at home with Kora, I know this is where I am meant to be right now.

Maybe these feelings are also a loss of control. When you become a parent you really lose the ability to control things. You no longer dictate everything in your life --I mean to some extent yes you do-- but you do not control the feelings of the tiny little human in your life. You can't really make them sleep or make them stop crying. Your sole purpose is not controlling them, but about teaching them, nurturing them, and comforting them. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE every minute with Kora (even the minutes where she is screaming or when I am covered in her poop), but sometimes I just wonder how many of us out there have this feeling of loss.

I am striving everyday to be the best me, to show Kora (and Robert) the best parts of me. Some days they may see the worst,...and some days I can't do as much as I wish I could, but I know that they see how hard I am trying. In the end Kora will know that her mom and dad work so hard to make her happy. I know that soon this feeling of loss will go away because it is already starting to fade.

I am doing my best to embrace this important role that I am so lucky to have.  To enjoy every single moment I have with her.

Update as of late

We went to our wonderful family reunion in McCall, then traveled to Las Vegas and finally made it to our place in San Diego. We have a nice one bedroom apartment out here, it is a bit far from Robert's work, but it is definitely a nice area. Robert has been working 10 hour days, 6 days a week so we don't see him very often. We were able to go to the Seahawks pre-season game last weekend which was a blast; Kora did amazing the whole time and we had great seats (up really close on the Seahawks side). I have been attending a few mommy meet-up groups and trying to find some "mommy friends" out here (not that I don't love my child-less ones ;P). It has been nice and a great way to get me out of the house.

Things have been a bit hectic as of a few days ago....we were informed our condo sold and that our lease would be up at the end of September meaning we needed to vacate by then...we had thought we would go on a month to month when our lease was up but that is no longer an option. So Kora and I will be returning to pack our entire condo alone next week....I am not so excited about this. Not only did our house not close yet (so everything has to go into a storage pod) but now I have just about 6 days to pack an entire condo with a 5 month old, alone, and with a bad back. I am a bit overwhelmed to say the least. A day after frantically making plans and booking flights, we were informed that Robert would be returning for his graduation ceremony a week after I returned to San Diego from packing our condo... This all means that I will be taking another flight to Seattle a week after packing our condo to go to Robert's graduation (and of course they don't give me his flight details so there is no way to plan to fly together). It all is a bit of a mess, but I am sure I can do it...(hopefully). They also extended our stay to "currently" the beginning of November which means our plans for Iceland are currently on hold; they also have not told us whether to expect to stay in San Diego longer (past November) or if we will be headed to Japan. So a lot of our life currently is up in the air....as usual. I am trying to find comfort in the small reminders of home, in the silly things Kora is learning, and the tiny adventures we get to go on.  I constantly remind myself to "Stay Positive"--- life is what you make of it, so live with a smile.

Walking to our mommy meet up in Del Mar

Before the game

At the game

Kora with her headphones at the game

Robert being silly on the boat in McCall

Kora playing with her cousin

Kora and I swimming with her Otteroo

Sessions side of the family 

4 Months and our 1st Wedding Anniversary

Kora will be 4 Months on the 5th! She chews on everything, blows raspberries all day, is super chatty, smiles all the time, rolls from front to back and back to front, loves to stand up (with help of course), enjoys looking at herself in the mirror, sleeps like a champ (usually at least 6 hours straight), loves to suck on her elephants nose, and loves to be in her carriers. She is our pride and joy. I am so glad to have her as our little buddy! 

We spent the weekend celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary! It's been a very fun filled emotional weekend. We decided to spend most of our time going to places and doing things that we did when we first started dating (or going to places that were special for us). We reminisced about our past adventures. My favorite is the how we met story which you can find here, but when we talked about it this weekend I kept joking about how he tried to kiss me when we first danced together. I asked him if he tried to kiss all the girls he danced with :P but if you have been following my blog for a while you may already know that never actually kissed until months later. We went to our old favorite take out place in Redmond Sunny Teriyaki; went to an amazing brunch at Portage Bay Cafe (we had eaten there on new years eve a few years back); went to our ice cream spot in Kirkland (that we go to every year); we went to the fortune cookie factory (where we bought our wedding fortune cookies); and a bunch of other places most of which are silly and just remind us of fun times we had together.

2013 Kirkland getting ice cream together 2014 same place about a year apart

2015 Kirkland getting ice cream at the same place now with Kora

We are currently planning out our Iceland trip for the end of October, it will be Robert's Birthday/1st wedding anniversary trip! We are also waiting on news to see if we will be going to Japan in November. Still no news on our house yet but our life is just so so busy lately! Roberts older brother gets married next weekend and we leave for my family reunion in McCall, Id on the 13th! Our plan is to leave from Idaho and make our way to San Diego! Time is just flying by and we are having a hard time keeping up!

3 Months

Blogging has fallen to the way side recently. I had the 2 month post sitting in the cue forever just waiting for pictures...and now shes already 3 and a half months old, time is just flying by. Things have been a bit crazy around here for us. We promised each other before we had Kora that we wouldn't let having a baby quell our (mostly my) thirst for travel. We went to Vancouver BC, the beer festival in redmond, stayed at my dad's house in Sammamish for the 4th of July weekend, went to Westport and lots of other small travels between. Through all of the craziness we lost Roberts Grandfather a week ago, and did our best to stay in Seattle as much as possible during that time (Sadly we couldn't make the trip to the Philippines with the family). We have constantly been going, going, going...  Some other big news, we put on offer on a house on the other side of Bremerton, we absolutely love it and hopefully everything will work out! The plan is to be moved in by the time we are back from San Diego! Speaking of San Diego we leave in less than a month! I am a mix of excited and apprehensive. Things are always up in the air, we still do not know which apartments we will be in while we are there and or the exact date we will be home...but like always we just roll with the punches. 

Her sleeping has been amazing lately, she usually sleeps between 6-9 hours straight! I never count on the sleep which makes the rough nights easier. I have read so many things about sleep and babies, I finally just gave up...my philosophy is she is growing and changing everyday, some days her body will ache or she will just be more fussy, and trying to force her to sleep or cry alone doesn't change the fact that she is feeling uncomfortable and wants comfort. I will feed her when she is hungry and snuggle her when she needs it; so far she sleeps like a champ and I wouldn't change a thing. We do our nightly bedtime routine wherever we may be and if she isn't in bed by 8 (either because we are not at home or because she is awake) then o well.  She is flexible and so are we.

I remember my sister telling me how sad she was when she couldn't find the videos of her baby when she was small and that got me thinking about how important it was to take small clips of Kora. I try to shoot a few video clips regularly to capture the silly things she does and her little nuances. They change all the time, and even going back and watching the videos of her crying when she was a few days old make my heart smiley.  She currently rolls from both back to front and front to back! She has a sound or "word" that she makes when she is hungry (it is "neh"). She smiles all the time, blows bubbles, tracks us with her eyes and head, bites so hard.....drools like crazy, has found her hands, and chats all the time. She loves being in her carriers and currently thinks her name is beanie...lol (that would be our fault for always calling her that..) 

Here are some random pictures from our adventures!

feet :D

Lynn Canyon in Vancouver BC

Beanies 2nd Mariners game

One of my favorite Photos of Robert's mom, (she rarely smiles in photos) even though this day was incredibly difficult her smile was so radiant!

2 months

It feels like a lifetime with her and it has only been 2 months. She has grown so much in the past 60 days. Her smile melts me. Although its tough always having a human attached to my boob and constantly needing me, it is so so fulfilling. I was really worried about the whole postpartum depression and although I've had bouts of weird sadness, overall I feel great.
I struggled at the beginning with letting others hold her (I still do a little), I guess you could call it first time mommy syndrome. I cringe thinking about germy hands or I have crazy thoughts of someone accidentally dropping her. I really don't like when she cries---not because it is annoying but because it makes my heart hurt a little. It has gotten a lot easier though, I am more comfortable with others holding her but I am still uncomfortable leaving her alone with others (unless its Robert) for long periods of time. I am so craving just a little bit of time though, just so I can go on a motorcycle ride with Robert. Robert seems to be loving the daddy life; he gets so excited to come home and play with her. I think he mostly loves putting her to sleep so he can cuddle with her. He has been working forced over time since he has been back at work--10 hour days 6 days a week. We send him pictures while he works and he always says he loves getting them. Sleep seems to come and go, some nights she does so great I will get a solid 4 hours with a feeding and another solid 3 hours and some nights shes up the entire time. Honestly I don't really miss the sleep I just crave the block sleeping like at least 4 hours at a time, well that an caffeine. Because I breast feed caffeine really effects her so I avoid it at all costs.  Overall though things are great!
We got some news that we would be going to San Diego again, at first we were told it was a longer stay (from July to February). Now they have changed it again so we are expecting August to October (just like last year). We are excited for the little get away but nervous about having our place all alone over here. Here are some photo updates!

Birth Story

Birth story.


The morning of April 4th my midwife came over and gave me herbs to take which would start my labor (the weekend previously we attempted castor oil; I was in prodromal labor for 24 hours and only progressed to 2 cm at which point my midwife gave me another set of herbs to stop the contractions so I could rest). The contractions started around 10am and I was encouraged to walk as much as possible. We were trying to keep my labor on the down low in case nothing happened again, so we went to Fred Meyers and walked and walked, then we walked from our house to Starbucks. The contractions were slowly getting stronger and more consistent by about 3pm they were roughly 5 minutes apart.We texted the midwife to update her. With the consistency of the contractions she really felt like things were progressing more normally and that we would probably have a baby that night. We decided to turn on the movie Interstellar to try and distract me from the pain; when I say distract me from the pain, the actual contracting of my uterus wasn't so bad... but my back was excruciating. After having gone through something similar the weekend before with no progress I was determined this time to do everything to get her out. Robert was helping rub my back and doing his best to keep me comfortable. By 10pm my back pain was becoming unbearable, I was sobbing and puking. My midwife came into the room to check me; after the most painful cervical check of my life she sat down on my bed. She held my hand while I sobbed and said "I'm sorry but you're still 2 cm." She kept reassuring me that I was being so strong but no matter how I continued with the delivery I had worked so hard, that no one would fault me for going to the hospital for relief. As a last ditch effort she suggested I get into the birth tub. Contractions at this point were all but 3 minutes apart, I was doing my best not to be discouraged. My midwife went home and I climbed into the tub, my back pain was immediately soothed.  I was able to breath easily through the contractions. Robert turned on some calming music and we sat in the dim room while I floated in the tub until about 2am. I was exhausted, I climbed out about an hour later and did my best to sleep. I had contractions all night but I was able to get sleep through them. The next morning Robert got up and made pancakes I went upstairs to eat, got through half a pancake when the contractions came back full force. They were stronger than before, my back was so bad, I was shaking and screaming through them. I hurried downstairs to the tub, Robert refilled it, I climbed in and couldn't seem to get any relief. Nothing was comfortable, not even in between contractions. I was screaming for help, I finally looked at Robert and said "Call the midwife and ask her how we get into the hospital, I can't do this anymore". He literally stared at me with this look of 'umm nope, not gonna call' after repeating it over and over again and still getting the same look I yelled "Either you pick up the damn phone and call her or I'm calling the ambulance to come get me" (I may have used a few other choice words...). He reluctantly texted her, this was followed by a phone call and 3 hours later we were leaving for the hospital....(yes 3 hours later...) We got into the car and started driving, my midwife had said that Port Townsend hospital was ready for us. We headed that direction (that hospital is an hour away) with contractions every 3-5 minutes, I screamed through them; half way there we get a call from the midwife, she said that they spoke with the anesthesiologist and they told her they weren't willing to touch my back for an epidural (due to my back problems). My poor husband had to endure another hour of me screaming in the car while we turned around and headed for Saint Joe's in Tacoma, or so we thought...another call came after saying that Saint Joe's was full so we needed to head to Tacoma General. After a long arduous process of trying to get checked in. They finally came in to do the epidural, I did my best to put any thoughts of complications out of my mind. The epidural was simple but while he was putting it in I could tell it was only on the right side of my spine, he tried to adjust but in the end the relief only really came to my right side. About 10 minutes after they administered the epidural my water broke on its own, and about an hour later I was feeling immense pressure and much stronger contractions. I kept mentioning I felt a lot more pressure when the nurse finally checked she was very surprised to find I was already 9 cm. After telling me not to push for any reason until the doctor came in I did my best to just breath through the contractions. My back pain on the left side was getting more and more intense. For most people epidurals make it nearly impossible to move, for me I still had full mobility. I was able to push in the squatting position (almost on all fours), I kept yelling at the doctor not to touch me (he was a saint and allowed me to do it my way), Robert and our midwifes assistant were helping me focus through the contractions. To not tire myself out I would push through one contraction wait a contraction and then push on the next. After pushing for just under an hour the doctor was getting antsy and suggested using the vacuum, we declined and my midwife's assistant looked at me and said you got this curl around her and push through you got it; and when I looked up I remembered 'curl around her' I pushed and Kora was here. She came out right onto the bed. Robert and I were the first to pick her up; we put her on my chest and Robert was able to cut the chord. Holding her was like nothing I could have ever imagined, she looked up at me right away, it's like a love you have never felt before.

I had a supposed tiny 1 stitch tear (however my midwife's assistant later told me they would not have called it a tear and or stitched it), I was able to get up and walk soon after delivering her, had little to no swelling and was able to nurse almost immediately. I later found out that when we were admitted into the hospital my midwife had called the doctor explained the circumstances and he called triage to tell them to say I was 4cm so that they would admit me (when I had arrived I was still only about 2.5cm and 100% effaced). I also was told that I had been the talk of the hospital for awhile after, the doctor was proud to have a delivery like mine and I guess was boasting about it at a midwife conference a week later. I am so so eternally grateful for my patient loving husband, my super wonderful midwife and midwife assistant, the wonderful doctor, and my super kind nurse. My "active" labor was only about 3 hours long. I still thank my lucky stars there were no complications with the epidural and that she came out perfectly; I wouldn't change a thing about my delivery.

Kora Lynn Calixterio was born April 5, 2015 at 6:28pm was 5 lbs. 10 oz. and 19 inches long, she was and is perfect in every way. I still can't believe she's ours.

Here are some photos of laboring and of Kora

2 am laboring at home

2 am laboring at home in the birth tub

at the hopsital soon after she was born

1 day old

2.5 weeks old

Pregnancy

So I have written, and not finished multiple blog posts...and I finally decided to finish this one tonight. It's has been hard to post anything (let alone do anything), half the time I don't have the energy or ability to do the things I love.  I go to write about an exciting event or something fun we did, and I end up feeling slightly cranky with how terrible I felt during each "event". So here is some positive, mixed with maybe just a little negative.

As our little bean grows the pain in my body intensifies, everything I do feels like an extra challenge. I knew pregnancy was going to be hard (especially for me), and I've done my best to fight the pain and stay as positive as possible. The hardest part for me has been staying away from medication that I know could ease my pain, but may be harmful for my baby. It has also been a mental battle being in completely new places, while being almost entirely alone (Robert has been working 6- 10 hr shifts for a few months with an occasional weekend off). While in San Diego it was nice to get out and see some friends, now that we are back in Washington but on the other side of the water, I don't see friends or family as often.   I know many women who have had difficult pregnancies, so I know I am not alone.  Pregnancy can be (and is quite) isolating, no one can feel how you feel. Your body is completely changing and your mental state is all, well...emotional...I feel incredibly beautiful one day and the next I feel like a giant whale. From the 10 times I pee an hour, to the weird hair growth and constant kicking, some days I feel like I just can't take it anymore (luckily the nausea/vomiting is gone).  It is also difficult talk about how horrible you are feeling when you know so many people who have had super easy pregnancies or much harder ones.

We finally did some quick maternity photos. I was told that their were 3 main photos most women take, a day shot, a dusk shot, and a silhouette. Honestly the first 2 were the most difficult for me and they were the only two I shared on Facebook. The last photo the silhouette we took while we were in Vegas and although I feel huge, I feel beautiful (I didn't post that photo on Facebook because I felt it was a little more personal).

Day Photo

Dusk Photo

Silhouette Photo

I think pregnancy is such a combination of "icky beautifulness" and although my pregnancy has been very difficult for me, I have the overwhelming feeling of joy when she moves (even though sometimes its too much), or responds to Robert or I talking to her by her quick jabs. I know a bit of me will miss her little movements and knowing shes all safe and cozy inside my belly. She will be here so soon and we are so so excited. Knowing that I am carrying such a little miracle (as cliche as that sounds), gives me strength I didn't know I had.

I am always so grateful to have Robert by my side, he is truly one in a million and makes every day amazing. He is the sweetest most caring man, and I know he will be an absolutely amazing father. I can't wait to meet our baby girl!